In nearly every initial session with my clients, we find ourselves delving into the concept of an upset. Why? Because it’s a topic that surfaces frequently—we talk about quite a few of them! 

The underlying principle is straightforward: Upsets occur when your expectations are not met, period.

Think about it…  every single time you find yourself upset can you think of an alternative explanation? It often boils down to expecting an event to unfold a certain way, or someone to behave in a specific manner, and when it doesn’t happen, frustration sets in. 

The good news here is that you are in charge of your expectations. Adjusting them becomes a powerful tool, enabling you to navigate situations without succumbing to upset.

Allow me to share a story that might shed light on this perspective: I’ve cherished a friendship for over 40 years, akin to that of a beloved family member and confidante. We were closer than sisters. My friend never married or had children and she embraced my children as her own, being present at every family celebration for the past four decades.

However, a few years ago, when both of her parents passed away, she descended into a deep depression, becoming reclusive. She didn’t want help and did not seek it out; I respected her decision. 

Last year, she finally agreed to let me take her out for her birthday. I went the extra mile, buying her special presents and treating her to a nice restaurant. The next month on my birthday, I received no card, no call—nothing from her.

When my husband asked me whether this absence of reciprocity and apparent lack of caring hurt my feelings, I took a moment to reflect. The truth was, it didn’t. I had come to terms with the evolving dynamics of our friendship—it had transformed into a one-sided connection. Faced with this reality, my choice was clear: either continue honoring the relationship we once shared or gracefully let it go.

I opted to continue the offer of taking her out for her birthday each year, with no expectation of anything in return. And you know what? I realized that my behavior was really for me… because I care about her!!!

And, it did not matter what she did or did not do in return because I felt strongly about preserving our connection. I understood and accepted the fact that she no longer had the internal resources to carry on with life the way she once had. But… that doesn’t mean that I cannot express my love for her and expect NOTHING in return.

Along these lines, I work with many people who take care of aging parents and are upset because there’s never a “thank you” or sign of appreciation from them. I ask them who they do it for… and they inevitably answer it is for themselves… This realization is liberating!!

The essence here is that expectations, or the lack thereof, play a pivotal role in how we experience relationships. By adjusting expectations, we gain control over our emotional responses. It’s not about dismissing the significance of the relationship, but rather about recognizing the reality and choosing to navigate it with understanding.

The journey through expectations and upsets in relationships is about acknowledging the evolving nature of connections and making choices that align with your well-being. By expecting nothing in return, you free yourself from the grip of potential upsets, fostering a sense of inner peace. It’s an act of kindness, both towards others and, perhaps even more importantly, towards yourself.

Jayne Goldman, MBA, C.Ht., Founder and Principal of Best Life Hypnotherapy in Los Angeles, is a Certified Hypnotherapist and NLP Master NLP Practitioner and Coach.

Read the related blog here: https://bestlifehypnotherapy.com/avoid-future-upsets-with-nlp-coaching-and-hypnotherapy/